Elrod Gets Fired Up

posted in: 44 Cherry Street, Newsletter | 0
Portrait of Elrod by Ellen Phillips

Elrod was saddened and confused by the death of the Notorious RBG thinking it had been The Notorious BIG who had passed. He was confused, because he thought that Biggie Smalls, the Notorious RBG, had died long before in a shootout with some other rappers. Hadn’t he heard that Tupac had been involved? So he had been alive until now?! He scanned the playlist of Spotify to find the latest rap tunes by this iconic rapper to play while he mourned the loss. One of Biggie’s hits included the words, 

“The doctor said I needed three weeks of recovery, But the nurses is lovin me, Sayin the best part of the day is my half, Feedin me breakfast and givin me a sponge baff.”

The Notorious BIG

Those words stuck in Elrod’s mind. Was Biggie giving his fans a message about his imminent death? Was there a conspiracy to hide Biggie from Tupac, who was also supposed to be dead, but was hiding out in Vegas?

Elrod was a believer in conspiracies, especially QAnon. He believed that alert people were receiving coded messages from famous people. For example, the President was sending clues to QAnon with the color of his tie and the mistakes he makes when he is speaking in public. Only the very smartest people knew how to interpret these clues. Even the President didn’t understand what these important political clues meant. 

The Notorious RBG

Elrod popped open a beer and scratched his head as he took several big swallows. He wondered where they had been keeping the Notorious BIG all this time. Why did they finally announce that he had died? Or did he just now die? And why were all those fools on the steps of the Supreme Court? Was this a coded message for Biggie fans?

One of Elrod’s Ex-girlfriends

Biggie was not one to worry about breaking the law. Is that why those people left flowers on the courthouse steps?  Elrod’s thoughts turned to the law and some things he wanted to see changed. He thought that laws concerning women needed a thorough revision. All those women he had met on match.com had taken the money for plane fare and had not shown up at the Asheville Airport. They needed to be put in their place. The Notorious BIG would certainly agree. 

Better hide this from Elrod!!

He still had the supplies he had purchased for his previous campaign, protesting the local government of Black Mountain and specifically of the ruling that had made Cherry Street one way. When he came home late at night from a bar he frequented on Route 70 (he had won the senior citizen category in their arm wrestling competition) he couldn’t remember which way Cherry Street now ran. Up to down, or down to up? He had made up his mind that he didn’t care what the town officials had decided. He would drive in whatever direction he chose. He checked outside his window facing Cherry Street to make sure his hand-lettered sign was still in place. Yup! It was still posted as big as life in front of 44 Cherry Street. “I go both ways!”

Mongolian Happy Hat by Pei Ling Becker

Now he had to round up some allies at the Backyard Bar to join in his fight to put women in their place. Women should be forbidden to use match.com because they couldn’t be trusted to show up when someone sent them travel money. Another idea he had was that once a woman said he was welcome to move in with her, she should not be allowed to change her mind, especially if he had gone to the trouble of hauling his riding lawn mower all the way to Leicester. That should be a law! 

Handmade paper poppies $8/stem

He had seen those old people on the corner of Montreat Road on Wednesday evenings, holding up signs saying “Love” on them. The idea of old people making love was gross, but he would make his own sign and hold it up right next to them. He set to work immediately painting a banner. Now here’s an idea, he thought. “Women Belong in the House,” he wrote. They should be ironing his boxer shorts, he thought.

Bittersweet Wreath $35